Critical Mission Faeol
by mutive
Summary: Faeol is your every day hard drinking, alien hating, space marine.  At least until she runs into an alien artifact on Eden Prime that will totally screw up her plans.
1. Eden Prime

**Eden Prime**

_If you play Dragon Age and like this, you might also enjoy _Ridiculously Awesome. _ RA is another rather silly story that I wrote that is sort of the DA:O version of this. Thanks to all the players of both who harassed me into writing this story…_

Commander's Log,

Supposed to visit some place called "Eden Prime" today. I've heard that it's some kind of "paradise". Which sounds awesome, as I like going to pretty places and shooting things. I'm kind of wondering if it's like Hawaii, which is also described as a paradise. If it does, I need to go sunbathing before I leave, as weeks of space travel have made me really pasty.

According to the captain, my team's supposed to follow some alien. I do not like aliens, so object to this order. Captain Anderson told me to behave as he's evaluating me. Really don't want aliens evaluating me, and told this to Anderson. He told me to shove it. So now I don't like him very well, either.

Am kind of pissed off. But luckily, the mission will involve shooting, which should help me work off some of the aggression. There's nothing I like better than shooting stuff, especially them aliens.

Signing off,

Faeol

Commander's Log,

Eden Prime does not look like Hawaii. Reputation of it being a paradise is false advertising. Probably invented by a salarian, or another sneaky alien. Knew I shouldn't trust them.

Lost one of my men almost instantly. Think he shouted "Leeeeeroy!" before he charged. Kind of glad he was shot, as he annoyed me with dumb jokes on the shuttle ride down. Plus, if he died that easily, he is weak, and probably not a valuable addition to the team.

Got a new girl. Tough. I like her. Unlike the rest of these pansy colonists, she managed to survive the attack. I'll need to buy her a drink after this mission's over. Hope she didn't lose anyone valuable here, as that would suck for her. If she did, will console her with the fact that they were probably weak and had it coming.

Signing off,

Faeol

Commander's Log,

Apparently fighting intelligent machines called "geth". Unsure as to why we can't just reprogram them, or fry their circuitry with radiation. They seem good at reprogramming us into weird zombie creatures. If they try to eat my brains, I'm out of here.

Geth seem to use weird spikes to reprogram colonists. Unsure as to why the spikes reprogram people, and recommend getting it looked into. Will drop into suggestion box when back on ship, despite that I have a sneaking suspicion that Anderson doesn't read them. Bastard.

Signing off,

Faeol

Commander's Log,

Huh, stupid alien we're supposed to be following died. Kind of glad, as resented following him. Wish I could buy whoever killed him a drink. Killer does not appear to be coward lurking behind the boxes. Sort of wish that I could kill him over disappointment, but didn't.

Killed geth, also killed the zombies. Rode a monorail. Disarmed some bombs. Hacked some boxes, and got some new stuff. All in all, a good day's work.

Signing off,

Faeol

Commander's Log,

Found beacon. Kind of phallic looking. Wonder if Protheans also had Freudian issues and/or penises and penis jokes. May need to discuss, if I ever find a xeno-archeologist. Kaidan seemed interested in the thing. Did not listen to my advice to stay away from weird glowy things, so had to push him out of the way.

Beacon got me instead. Had strange hallucinations that made absolutely no sense. Kind of like that one time I tried LSD. Note to self, in the future, avoid synthetic chemicals and weird alien technology. Especially if it's glowing and making a weird humming noise. Humming noises aren't good, as I learned long ago back at the farm with that old electric fence.

Signing off,

Faeol

Commander's Log,

Captain Anderson very interested in Prothean drug-trip. Wants me to talk about it to the Council. Hell no! I do _not_ want to discuss weird ass creepy visions with random aliens. Told Anderson this, but he is relentless. Next time, I want to work for a more understanding commander. Wish that Space Marines did not require two year contract. The things I do to pay for college…

Sadly, do not have command of the ship, so if I ever want to get back to Earth, think that I need to talk to the stupid Council. Hope that whatever meds they put me on to get rid of psychosis don't make me gain weight.

Signing off,

Faeol

_As those who've read my prior work know, I love ideas/suggestions. Please throw any brilliant ideas you have at me so that I don't get bored/confused/totally unfunny. (No one wants to read non-funny humor, right?)_


	2. Captain Anderson's Log

_OK, so I kind of suck and haven't updated this in ages. Mostly in that this is short and I kept meaning to add more to it. But, I couldn't find anything else to say, so…hopefully you enjoy anyway. _

**Captain Anderson's Log**

So, I have my doubts about this Commander Shepard. The first doubt is, who is she? Is she a spacer, a colonist, or an earthborn? Damn, should have checked my dossier. Also, is she a war hero, a ruthless combatant, or a psychologically scarred sole survivor? Again, I really need to start reading those notes that Udina keeps sending me. Either way, I know one thing for sure – she's the only one who can complete this mission successfully.

Why I think this, I have no idea. But I'm not going to question my gut instincts, as doing this would force me to go through another dozen or so dossiers to find someone else who's stupid enough to take on this mission. And I have better things to do. Like shred all those stupid comments that Joker keeps putting into the suggestion box.

I'm not kidding about the shredding being a big deal. Yesterday I found fourteen about how to improve the food, ten about how he wanted a massage chair, and two hundred and twelve about how morale would be improved by the introduction of asari strippers.

That's it, crew of the Normandy. If this is how you choose to treat the suggestion box, I'm taking it away from you. Or at least not replacing those little pencils that Dr. Chakwas keeps stealing and refusing to replace. You've lost that particular perk from here on out. I hope you're happy with yourselves!

I'm also sort of curious about why we picked up the new girl, Ashley Williams. I mean , I guess that just leaving her there for the geth to kill would be rather cruel. But at the same time, we left some other people down there for the geth, so why she's different, I have no idea. Oh well. I'm not turning around and wasting a bunch of gas just to dump her back on Eden Prime. That said, she'd better pull her own weight, or she's on latrine duty.

Oh well, at least she's likely to do better than Jenkins. Poor Jenkins. I always told him that refusing to listen to our plan of action and just running into combat while screaming "Leeeeeeeroy!" was bound to get him killed. But did he ever listen? No. Poor, poor Leeroy.

Oh well, off to the Council next to explain how we destroyed a priceless artifact and how their favorite Spectre (who has a really cool ship. Why can't I trade the Normandy for Sovereign?) just killed our Spectre. I just know that I'm going to sound like a total douche when I do it, too, because everyone knows that I've always hated Saren, so they'll probably think that he was right and that I'm being a jerk. Hmmm. Maybe I should try to get Shepard to make all the accusations so that she looks like the jerk. This is a good idea. I think that I'll pin destroying the Beacon on her as well, and maybe claim that her visions are due to a drug trip, just to fluff myself. This is probably my best chance for advancement in the military. Maybe if I'm lucky, they'll even reconsider me for Spectre training. As really, I would make an amazing Spectre, and I'm tired of being the captain of a lousy ship.

Plus, I certainly don't want to let someone who's first name is "Faeol" be elected as the first human spectre.

_Thanks to my awesome reviewers so far. I promise to try to update in the future. Really! Special thanks to: Calm as Crackling Fire, Interesting, scampermax, Sarah, deejaymcknight, Lehni, roxfox, and Shooting Star. Now just to update later with something substantial…_


End file.
